Two Cold Shoulders
Being a homeschooler can be an isolating experience. After all, this is an inherently independent lifestyle, full of decisions made by following one’s own instincts and judgment rather than an external authority. This built-in independence is both an obvious advantage to homeschooling in that it can allow for families to make the decisions that make the most sense for each of their learners, and it can also be a potential drawback in how counter to mainstream culture it can be. When you are making a decision that innately calls into question the ability of a traditional model of education to work for your own family, some people who rely on that model may feel challenged by your decision at the same time. Suddenly, family or friends for whom the traditional model works might begin to question your choices or feel as though you are passing judgment on the decisions that work for their family, which of course likely isn’t the case. But that subtle challenge can become an added layer of isolation to an already unique life choice.
As secular homeschoolers, we can also deal with an additional layer of isolation, as homeschooling has a history of being dominated by those who are choosing this lifestyle for religious purposes. Many of us have had interactions where we show up to a park day or homeschool club or even get to a playdate and believe we are making friends with fellow homeschooling families only to have an obvious turn of the tides when the other homeschooling parent we’ve been chatting with discovers that we are homeschooling for secular purposes. It can feel almost as though we are being shunned for making the same choices they did for their own families simply because our motivations were slightly different. This double whammy of a cold shoulder can feel quite discouraging to the parents and children involved.
Our species is innately social, and for as long as there have been humans, children have been learning from the adults around them. Since the traditional model of education is a relatively recent phenomenon in human history, we know there has to have been a time when finding and building community with which to raise and educate our children wasn’t as difficult as it can be in our more modern, fractured society. And as secular homeschoolers, we tend to be a diverse, inclusive, and kind assortment of people who are simply looking for a creative way to educate our children. So how do we find “our” people, given these challenges that can crop up in the homeschooling universe?
how do we find “our” people?
To answer that question, I think it helps to start by breaking down exactly what we mean by “our” people. Do we actually want to be isolationist in our desire to build community? Do we want our children to only get to know other people who are just like them, who come from families just like theirs, whose parents share exactly our same views? We need only look around at current events to see what tribalism and echo chambers can do on a grand scale to erode a genuine sense of community. As Julie Bogart so helpfully pointed out in her podcast episode that I’m linking here on building and nurturing a healthy and diverse homeschool community, we would do well to remember that being around people who aren’t exactly like us is a very good thing. Getting to know a wide assortment of people from various backgrounds and walks of life offers a built in learning experience, and this is something that should be celebrated by homeschoolers, since our entire ethos is one of building a life out of learning.
United By Our Differences
When I was growing up in suburban Chicago, I had friends who were atheist, protestant, muslim, jewish or catholic, black, hispanic, white, or Asian, from families who were recent immigrants, or from families who could trace their heritage to the early days of our nation and beyond. As a child, one of my more distinct memories was of regularly visiting one of my best friend’s homes and soaking up the culturally distinct decor, food, language, and music that came with becoming close to a muslim family of Turkish origin. This of course wasn’t a token experience, as one of my other dearest childhood friends was from a proudly Greek-immigrant family, while yet another close friend was from an Indian-immigrant family. I was exposed to languages, smells, flavors, and viewpoints of all sorts that wouldn’t have been found in my own family of origin on a regular basis. Some of these viewpoints were considerably more conservative than my own, others were more liberal, and bumping up against those different experiences and viewpoints helped me to learn to think for myself while also deepening my empathy and understanding of what makes various people tick. This sort of irreplaceable, intangible learning opportunity is something that helps raise kind, globally conscious people who can celebrate the unique differences among us rather than feeling as though there’s only one “right” way to exist in this world. So I would challenge the secular homeschool community to remember that excluding people based on appearances, faith background, perceived belief system, sexual or gender identity, or any number of other personally identifying factors might defeat the goal of connecting and educating kind, inclusive, and globally minded kids.
…being around people who aren’t exactly like us is a very good thing.
Another point that Julie Bogart makes in her podcast episode that I mentioned earlier is that the very word, “tolerance” can create a sense of superiority or otherism when one thinks of tolerating other people and their differences. It’s almost as though the word becomes a blanket or disguise for “you make me feel uncomfortable, but I will try to tolerate you.” This is just another way of expressing unease or disgust. Instead, she encourages us to think of tolerance as an action we practice within ourselves, noticing any internal discomfort that may crop up in new settings or situations and sitting with the uncomfortable feelings as we grow through them. So instead of demeaning others and saying that we “tolerate” them, we can say that we tolerate the uncomfortable feelings that we are feeling within ourselves as we encounter new, perhaps scary experiences. This subtle shift puts the onus of good behavior and genuine growth squarely on our own shoulders rather than on a group or individual we are claiming to be kind towards.
Rooting Out Hate
That said, none of this means that we should ever tolerate hate. That is a slippery slope that can lead to truly terrible consequences, as evidenced countless times throughout history. Certainly, there are folks who are getting into homeschooling with the specific goal of isolating their children from the world around them, who are perhaps afraid of being challenged by folks from different backgrounds or with different viewpoints, and who feel so uncomfortable with the idea of their children being exposed to differences that they are allowing fear to motivate them in their decision to homeschool. This fear can be a springboard for hate, which absolutely shouldn’t be tolerated under any circumstance.
I have yet another distinct memory, this time as a homeschooling mother on a playdate with my children in which the conversation turned to public school. The other mother, a pastor’s wife, said she was feeling a bit overwhelmed by the demands of homeschooling and parenting a young toddler but was explicitly keeping her child out of their local public elementary school because there was a trans child there, and how was she supposed to explain that to her own kid? I remember responding simply that I couldn’t imagine how hard it must be to be that child, to be so hated by members of their community that the adults around them who are claiming to live a life of love for everyone are actually so uncomfortable with their existence that they won’t take the time to have a simple conversation with their own children about how it takes all sorts of different people to make this wonderful, beautiful, colorful, and diverse world we live in and that our one job is to simply love our neighbors.
We were not invited back.
And at the end of the day, while I was disappointed by that outcome, calling out hate and insisting on genuine kindness is always the right thing to do. As more of us encounter these conversations and remind those around us that our world is full of wonderful, messy, vibrant, colorful people and that we should celebrate our differences rather than run from them, my hope is that we will all begin to see more of what we have in common underneath those differences and that we will build a kinder, more loving world for our children.
So to me, this means that we should go out into the world, engage with our fellow homeschoolers and other members of society as we encounter them at classes, co-ops, or enrichment opportunities with curiosity and kindness, and remember to simply be decent people and maintain good boundaries as we get to know one another.
Jumpstarting Connections
But how to we get to know one another, you ask? After all, we are busy adults with careers and family obligations; finding the time to forge new connections can feel overwhelming at the best of times. And when we add the cumbersome layer of continuing to crawl out of the pandemic, it can honestly feel tricky to remember simply how to meet people in real life after a season of such intense isolation. I still clearly remember the first day my kids and I were back in a flow of having a full day of out of the house commitments after so much time at home. We met some friends at a nature playground to climb trees and enjoy a picnic lunch, and we moved on from there to a homeschool club at the downtown library. The libraries were one of the first things to close in the pandemic, and even with curbside pickup and virtual events, we were struggling. Walking into that library for the first time after so much time away brought tears to my eyes from the relief. It felt so refreshing to be around other people in a group setting again, and I swore I’d never take it for granted. So clearly, being able to be social is a crucial part of humanity and one that should be nurtured among homeschoolers.
One of the best ways to make friends is to show up to the same thing on a repeated basis. Offer a warm smile. Perhaps ask a simple getting to know you question like, “how long have you been homeschooling?” Open the door to connection by simply showing up. Maybe that’s a homeschool club at the local library or a gymnastics class or a park day gathering of fellow homeschoolers. Maybe it’s a chess club or a 4-H club or or a homeschool co-op. Whatever it is that creates opportunity for repeated interaction and a little conversation, eventually, these moments will build upon one another and create the natural basis for friendships to form.
Still wondering where to start? Check out our Resources page for a thorough list of enrichment opportunities for homeschoolers in the Nashville area. Several of the items on the list are explicitly inclusive, so if you’re homeschooling a child who has borne the brunt of hate in the past, perhaps these groups will offer a bit of a reprieve from the strife and offer a means of genuine, kind connection. And as always, be sure to subscribe to our newsletter so you can get a regular dose of local, secular homeschool support delivered right to your inbox, and stay tuned for more ways to connect.
Happy Homeschooling!
diverse. inclusive. community.
Nashville Secular Homeschoolers 