Avoiding Burnout and the Importance of True Self Care: Part 3

Maintain Good Boundaries

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Welcome back to my four part series on avoiding burnout as a homeschooling parent! Today, we’re going to dig in a bit on establishing and maintaining good boundaries.

This is perhaps the most important part of avoiding burnout and practicing self care, but I also think the term, “boundaries” is often misunderstood or confused with something else entirely. So what do I mean when I’m talking about boundaries? I don’t meant that this would imply some sort of rigidity or schedule that involves you chanting out marching orders to those around you, insisting on their performance or ability to meet your demands. What I’m talking about when I say “maintain good boundaries” is a level of self discipline that some adults don’t learn in their childhoods and that can be the difference between being able to know when to take time for yourself and when to dig in on something that needs to be done and how to balance both. Boundaries are deeply rooted in a self awareness and, rather than being about holding other people to a certain standard, come from within. 

Let’s think a little bit more about what it can look like to practice maintaining good boundaries in parenting, and especially as a homeschool parent.

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I remember an interaction with a friend of mine as a young mother in which I asked if she would be interested in having lunch out with me and our kiddos after we had just had a hike. We both had other things to do, but I was willing to compromise that to keep the good times going in the short term. She, however, had great boundaries and said that she had too much to do in order to get ready to host a family member for the weekend, and that she would have to pass on having lunch. I distinctly remember the feeling in that moment of noticing how clearly she valued her own mental health and sense of calm. She knew that blowing off the prep work that she needed to do in order to welcome her guests would lead to her feeling frazzled and unhappy, even if she wanted to be able to lean into the fun spontaneity of the moment and enjoy an impromptu lunch out that would allow for our conversation to continue and for the kids to keep playing. 

In subsequent visits to her home, it was obvious that she practiced this level of self discipline in multiple areas of her life as things were never terribly far our of place. This doesn’t mean that she led an over the top, spartan lifestyle, just that she and her family knew how to implement small habits in their day that would allow for the overall functioning of their household and life. She is one of many women who influenced me in a positive way in my early parenting journey, and I remember diving into refreshing my own habits at home as I was reminded that true self care is knowing where to find your clean laundry or knowing that you aren’t running out of toilet paper. 

And listen – I am not suggesting that keeping a tidy home is indicative of a healthy or happy person or that not doing so indicates that the individual isn’t able to maintain good boundaries. But I can attest that, for myself, knowing that I will be able to reach into a kitchen drawer and find a spoon (for instance) means that I feel more supported in the day to day flow of my life as I don’t have to deal with regular interruptions to my own activities like even just stirring a cup of coffee. And oftentimes, the reason there’s a spoon in the drawer is because the people in that house have decided that the routines that keep a house running matter enough to implement them. 

I am also not suggesting that the only way for these routines to happen is if one parent implements them; on the contrary, I’d say that household routines work better if everyone is on board so that it is well known that the dishwasher gets run every evening and unloaded every morning or that the sheets get changed on Mondays. This means that everyone can divvy up the tasks and be on the same team rather than feeling like the burden is on any one person’s shoulders. But oftentimes, this starts with one or two people deciding that they want the house to function in a smooth way and either having a conversation about how that could work or taking on the challenge of making an adjustment to their own daily habits and helping it flow more smoothly. 

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In the case of being a homeschooling parent and maintaining good boundaries, this can mean knowing what to let into your life and when to say no to things. As you build community, you will inevitably be asked to pitch in for things at your kids’ co-op or drive them to countless enrichment opportunities or do other things that may mean adding to the joy of your family and personal wellbeing. And these are wonderful and worthwhile things that you should absolutely engage in! But it’s worth watching out for any times when it feels as though all of those additional commitments are compromising your own sanity. Sometimes, you may suddenly look up and notice that you don’t have any time at home as a family anymore or that your involvement with the co-op means that you aren’t able to prioritize things like lesson planning for your own kids because you’re so focused on the needs of the group. And I am suggesting that it is possible to avoid getting to a place where things aren’t sustainable anymore by simply knowing when to say no to something in the first place. 

We don’t win any awards for doing all the things or self sacrificing in an unhealthy way. But we do get the opportunity to have more time with our kids than a lot of families in our society, and we get to decide what the general ethos in our home is going to be and what that time is going to feel like. Do we want it to be one that feels frazzled and hectic, or do we want to cultivate a sense of calm, where everyone knows they’ll always be able to find more spoons? 

There are absolutely worthwhile and amazing things out there that are important to explore as homeschoolers. Drum lessons, gymnastics classes, hiking groups, art lessons, museum trips and library visits, just to name a few. But as you explore these things and look for balance, maybe you’ll discover that you’re a one outing a day family and the grocery store counts as an outing, so you can’t do a playdate on grocery day. Or maybe you’ll find that you prefer one big field trip and errand day per week and want to be home most of the other days. 

I’m suggesting that maintaining good boundaries in the form of knowing how and when to say no to something that doesn’t work for you can leave you with more spoons, both literally and figuratively.

If you’d like to look closer at how to create and maintain healthy boundaries, the book, Boundaries and Relationships by Charles Whitfield is a great and enlightening read. This affiliate link can help you find it on Amazon, if you’d like to purchase it that way.

And if you’re interested in finding out more about the neuroscience behind habit formation, this episode of the Hidden Brain podcast takes a fascinating look at what does and doesn’t work. 

And for more on habits and homeschooling, check out this episode of A Brave Writer’s Life in Brief which uses neuroscience to back up the observations made by Charlotte Mason over a hundred years ago. 

Happy Homeschooling!

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